I can’t believe it’s been an entire month since I sat down to write anything here. It’s been a busy and draining month. I transferred to a new store and have been dealing with cleaning up some big messes there and all the usual stuff that a retail manager deals with when they take over a new store. Other than work, life has been a little bit boring, which is a good thing. Things have been calm for a bit after a rather tumultuous and difficult year last year.
My wife and I have been watching The Chosen, which I highly recommend. There are some liberties that have to be taken to turn Bible stories into a show about the real life of Jesus and His followers, but I think they have been pretty tasteful thus far.
There is going to be a minor SPOILER ALERT here. If you’re watching and don’t want a spoiler, skip ahead a couple of paragraphs. A couple of weeks ago we were watching the episode after the Sermon on the Mount where Jesus is telling the disciples that He will be sending them out in pairs to deliver His message around the region. The actor who plays “Little James” has a physical disability, so that is transferred to the character as well. After Jesus tells the disciples of their mission, He leaves them and heads out of the house and “Little” James is following Him as fast as he can.
Jesus stops to speak with him and he is obviously distressed about something…the fact that he is crippled and is being asked to go and heal other people. How can he possibly heal anyone else if he himself has to live with his disability? Jesus is quick to point out the incredible faith that he has shown since they have known each other and all of the wonderful things that he has helped Jesus with.
Jesus lets James know that his Father in Heaven knows his tremendous faith and that he will one day be rewarded richly in Heaven for his faith and his service to help deliver Jesus’ message of salvation to the world. All he has to do is have faith the size of a mustard seed and he too can perform the miracle of healing for the masses that he would encounter. And what stories there will be of his exploits!
SPOILER OVER. That was a much more powerful moment than I had initially thought. I felt a bit emotional watching how defeated James felt at first and the power of Jesus’ love and faith in him turn that around completely. It was touching. I didn’t really think much about it for the next couple of weeks, but I could kind of feel something tugging at me in the background.
Then the other night we were watching the next episode and towards the end it was mostly Jesus healing the sick. And the flood gates opened. I knew what had been tugging at me for a couple of weeks. I broke down pretty hard and had to really reflect on something that I still haven’t dealt with emotionally. My own healing.
I realized just how badly I want God to heal my heart. How badly I want to stop feeling the way that I do. How badly I wanted to have a chance at a life where I didn’t have to worry every time I lift something or try to do some kind of physical task that I could have that last heart attack.
And then the enemy snuck in to whisper his sweet little lies into my ears. “If God really loved you, He’d heal you.” “If you actually had faith, there’d be no reason for you to suffer.” “Why do you put so much faith into a God that obviously doesn’t think you’re important.” And all of the other self doubts I have about my faith that he knows he can hit me with in the dark moments.
We are taught by Jesus to pray “your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.” (Matt. 6:10) Countless scriptures tell us to seek God’s will above our own, “But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness” (Matt. 6:33). “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;” (Prov. 3:5). “Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.” (Prov. 19:21).
Just because I desire healing doesn’t mean that it’s God’s purpose. Paul had asked God to remove the “thorn in his flesh” and had been told no more than once. Jesus, knowing what was about to happen to Him, prayed to God “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.” (Luke 22:42). Jesus knew that God’s plans were more important than His time here on earth.
It’s a tough pill to swallow when you want something that seems like it would be a great thing so badly, but to have to live with not getting what you feel would be best because God has a different plan. Do I think that God couldn’t heal me? Certainly not! He could heal me in an instant. Miracles do still happen. Perhaps there is something in this difficulty and pain that is meant to help someone else. Perhaps, it helps to give me what I need to share some of my story with strangers on the internet and to use this as a form of therapy for myself. There could be someone, someday who could use the words that God has given me through my pain and struggles to help them find or keep their faith amidst a great storm in their life.
My prayer is that someone will read this and be able to relate and know that they’re not alone in feeling frustrated, sad, perhaps even a little angry that they don’t get to have the things their heart desires. But God isn’t the Burger King and you don’t get to “Have it your way.” He knows much more than we could ever even hope to imagine and He knows how every little piece of the puzzle fits together to create the whole picture. It may hurt to not have the healing (or whatever your situation may be), and it won’t hurt to ask God to bring that to you, but you have to remember to seek His will and allow His will, even if it’s something you may not like to be what happens “on earth as it is in heaven.”
Journey Through Faith 